Saturday, November 19, 2011

Fingers Crossed. . .

. . . and no, I would still not say that I am feeling anywhere near as perky as this gent. . .

They say that a blogger should never post more than once a day, but I've never put much stock in what other people say, and anyhow, I feel somewhat entitled. The posts have been few and far between over the last few weeks. That's because today is the very first "off-day" in something like a month where I actually have the energy to sit up at the computer and type something.

After a brief period of relative wellness following three weeks of feeling as if I'd been hit by a truck, low and behold, that same truck stopped in the road ahead, backed right on up and ran over me again.

At first I thought that I was just being lazy. This added a unique flavor to the illness, because it meant that while I was unable to move or do anything productive, I had the additional pleasure of mentally beating myself up about it.

But by this past Tuesday I was so far depleted that all I could do was phone in sick, drag myself to bed and lie there in my chilly room, sweating like a pig while my thoughts and dreams raced crazily on about nothing at all. There isn't a thermometer in the house, so I can't actually say with authority that it was a fever -- but it was a pretty good imitation of one!

This morning? Fingers crossed, but I as if there's light ahead and I don't see a truck sitting in the road. It was nice to feel that I actually had an appetite again. It was nice to feel some benefits from eating. It was nice to walk around the house and water plants, and to bring in the rest of my yard ornaments for the winter. It was nice to sit here and type something approximately coherent.

I don't owe it all to my new doctor, a woman connected with Inland Hospital here in town, who said, "You are probably coming off of some virus activity -- but we don't have to do anything about that." -- and then promptly turned my visit into another investigation of my alcoholism.

I get tired of these investigations. I'd been totally honest and up-front with her about it, after all it's something that she needs to factor in to any calculations that she makes. But they don't need to lecture me anymore because I've heard it all and I know perfectly well that it's all true. I'm not in denial about the consequences. But my attitude is that I've modified my behaviour so dramatically over what it was fifteen months ago, and for now that is enough of a step for me. If I'm going to  knock it off completely, I'm going to need better reasons.

I am completely sober from morning light until around ten o'clock at night. That's enough sobriety for anyone. It is nice, at that lonely time of night, to feel some weight taken off of my shoulders, even if that's an illusion. After all, I'm not hurting anyone but myself -- and that's the person I care least about.

-- Freder.

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