Kickin' Monster Ass -- In More Ways Than One

 

It's the season for Monsters to Come Out and Play, and this week I celebrated by revisiting Fred Dekker's wonderful 1987 creature fest THE MONSTER SQUAD -- with monsters by the great Stan Winston.

The movie is terrific fun, and ideal for the season, but it also makes me angry. Why?

Because although it features all of the classic Universal Monsters, Universal did NOT make this movie. And they should have.

But no -- since at least the early '80s, Universal has been managed by the biggest pack of braindead, drooling morons ever to take up office space. When Capcom approached them with the brilliant idea to do a fighting game based on the Universal monsters, those idiots said NO.

Capcom went ahead and made the brilliant DARKSTALERS -- to this day one of the classics of the genre.

And when Fred Dekker approached them to do THIS movie, those idiots said NO. again.

Every time they've had an opportunity to give the fans of their monster movies something that actually honored and respected the original classics, those idiotic twats have said NO.

And instead, they've given us nothing but STINK BOMBS like Tom Cruise in THE MUMMY, or DRACULA UNTOLD, or the utterly failed "Dark Universe" -- dumb-ass "re-imaginings" and reboots, and now in a few months they'll be dropping the latest pile of flaming shit on our doorsteps with their remake of THE WOLF MAN.

If they really wanted to keep their legacy alive, they've had their opportunities. But instead of listening to people who LOVE the old Universal monster movies, they've been listening to people who've never even bothered to WATCH those classics, and to people who who don't have the brains, talent or background to do it RIGHT.

Dear Suits Who Are Running Universal Into The Ground: someone should drive a stake through what passes for your hearts.

-- Thorn

The Shortest Story I Ever Wrote

Once after midnight I was out walking when a man with the face and features of an owl came up to me unexpectedly out of the dark. He was clad in black from head to toe. He would not let me pass, but stared at me silently.

“What do you want of me?” said I.

“Who?” he said.

“I get that you’re an owl. But you haven’t answered my question.”

“Nor will I. Walk beside me a while.”

I stepped around him, and went on down the empty block.

“I’m beside you,” he said. “If you know it or not.”

I was alone in the street. There were no lights ahead, and none shone from the blocky black slabs of buildings on either side of the pavement, only a dim white bulb depending from the streetlamp at the corner I had just left. Still the road ahead grew brighter, though without any further detail becoming visible.

I raised my hands before my eyes. They had aged visibly since I had last seen them. 

The sleeves of my coat had turned to grey feathers.

--Thorn.

Let It Be.

Here we go.

The new animated BATMAN features much race-swapping and now The Penguin is a woman. Or something. In a way, I don't blame them. BATMAN has been done, and done, and done, and done, and done, and done, and done, and done, and done until he's been Done to Death and there's LITERALLY Nothing Else they can do to make it "fresh."

I love Batman, but his day is OVER. If I ever want more BATMAN, all I have to do is dig into my collection. When it comes to "new" Batman, I want them to Just Stop It. This holds true for Star Wars, All of Marvel, the Universal Monsters, and any other of the creative "franchises" (to use an oxymoron) that you can name.

Do not read anything into those words. All that I'm saying is STOP REMAKING all the Same Old Stuff, but in DRAG and BLACKFACE. And doing it BADLY.

MAKE SOMETHING NEW. Make something that is AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, not just a Politically Correct Revision of something that belongs to another generation.

Oh, and tell a story that actually makes sense and holds water about characters that we can care about. Can contemporary creators do that much? I'm beginning to think Not.

--------

There are going to be some jackasses out there who attach "laffy faces" to this post, despite the fact I have not said anything funny. They have been raised on such a diet of Bland Sameness and Brand Affiliation that they literally cannot understand the concept of Originality, or Telling a Story that compels on its own merits. So Be It. Humans are often Willfully Ignorant.

-- Thorn.

"The Midnight Cinema" is New at YouTube!

 

The latest Duck Soup Production has emerged from the Amuseum & Industrial Complex, is now live at YouTube!

"The Midnight Cinema" explores some movies that you may not have heard of, but which are worth remembering, and deserve to be revisited by contemporary audiences. Episode One covers three features, a serial and a cartoon. Episode Two will be an October Halloween Special, and it's coming soon. Click here or visit https://youtu.be/-3IlTsCY9To

We hope you like the show!

-- Thorn.

www.ducksoup.me

www.tarotbyducksoup.com

Millennial Audiences

--Thorn

www.ducksoup.me

THE PRUNES OF IRE starts TODAY!

 "THE PRUNES OF IRE," The new QUIRK story by Special Guest Writer BRUCE CANWELL, starts today! Part One is online now, with more to come on a weekly basis at 

https://quirk-the-comic.blogspot.com/

Please give it a look! And thank you!

--Thorn.

www,tarotbyducksoup.com

www.ducksoup.me

QUIRK: The PRUNES of IRE prelude is LIVE!

 The NEW Quirk story by

Special Guest Writer BRUCE CANWELL starts on July 2, 2023!

Until then, you can read the special PRELUDE,

which is now LIVE at the QUIRK mini-site!

You Can't Keep a Good Magician in the Trunk

Abracadabra! Alakazam!

Speak the Magic Words: MYSTIC TAROT has arrived in both Standard Tarot and Collector’s large sizes.

Standard Tarot size is limited to 1,000 copies. Jumbo Collector’s size is limited to 500 copies.

See them both at my website www.tarotbyducksoup.com - along with more than 30 other original, unusual and eccentric tarot, Lenormand & oracle packs, created for the adventurous practitioner and the curious beginner alike.

--Thorn.