Thursday, July 5, 2012

And the Curtain Opens. . . on an Empty Stage

Now that I am Fully Unemployed, I know that there are things I should be doing. Unfortunately, I'm so depressed that I don't seem up to any of them, even when it comes to basic things like shaving and showering. The new anti-depressant seems to have kicked in at least to the extent that I'm no longer crying all the time, but about all that I seem up to is lying in bed with my eyes closed, letting the day pass as it may. I'm even having a hard time watching films. Reading is Right Out.

I note that Colby (I have no beed to conceal their name anymore, do I, now that I no longer work for them?) has yet to advertise my position. For that matter, they've yet to return my personal belongings to be. What's keeping them?

While I was in hospital, I was urged by both my NP and Social Worker to contact Colby and find out the status of my employment, because they said that there were things they could do at the hospital to help me in the event of my losing the job.

So, naturally, Colby waited to fire me until nearly a week after I was out.

When I spoke to them, days earlier, I knew when the words came out of my mouth what it would mean for my future. So again, what kept them? Did they have to put on their thinking caps and wait for the lightbulb to come on?

[Aside on the subject of lightbulbs: have you noticed that you can't buy 100 watt incandescent bulbs in the stores anymore? As soon as I realized this I hopped online and bought a case of the things. I think I have enough now to last me the rest of my life. More than enough if my life continues down this path.]

My lawyer is out of the office all week, and my NP still doesn't return my calls -- a bad habit of hers. Well -- I know how to write a resume and begin a job hunt. But, unlike Colby, I think there's good reason for a period of inaction on my part.

There's a lot of Bad Junk swirling around inside me that needs to settle. I got into this mess because I am a mess, and that part hasn't changed. I'm hoping that the mental health outpatient program that I enter next week will do me some good in that area.

Because, knowing what I know, I wouldn't employ me in my current condition, even though I'm sober. For now.

-- Freder.


  1. I'm really glad to hear you're entering an outpatient program. That started me on a road that I am so grateful for. Sometimes you have to be utterly defeated to start over again. Stay safe.

    1. Determinism is the philosophical idea that every event or state of affairs, including every human decision and action, is the inevitable and necessary consequence of antecedent states of affairs.

  2. All I can say is that I do believe in a "Higher Power" and that has gotten me through my gut-wrenching life so far.
    But AA hasn't! My dear young husband, age 32, walked into the CA. freeway at 3AM @ was killed. He was so shamed by them (AA) for taking a sip of beer.
    His mother was a die-hard AA-er and never let up on him. He was sweetest person and so, so loving!!!
    I never drank with him & his dad, but they were the best friends I ever had in my life.. and my REAL family.

    Years later I was severely assaulted and alone. I started drinking WAY too much for a long time.
    I've been going to AA now. The people hug, etc.
    Then I drive home in the dark all alone. They never call to even say hello, they are only nice at meetings.
    Most of them don't work for a living..and this is common! Then they bully me for not going to a meeting a day. I live in the country & it's at least 100 mi. round trip for a daytime meeting (I work at night.) I take off 2 nights a week w/o pay to go to meetings.
    They seem to be a cliquish cult to me, and I believe in God.
    They have said they are "my new family."
    REALLY?!! I spend all my time working and alone unless I drive to them.
    They don't care that I lost my sweetie behind them.
    I often feel like drinking after a meeting. I'm always kind and share at meetings...yet I get bypassed by the AA Gurus or whatever.
    I feel alive and refreshed after being out in nature and near water... but not with them. I still love my "Higher Power," but I can't feel it with these AA people.
    Pretty sad.


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