Saturday, January 21, 2012
Beyond the Bubble
I'm going on three days now and beginning to wonder how long the streak can last. It's hard to type with your fingers crossed.
I'm talking about the anxiety and panic attacks that, until two days ago, were a regular part of my life. Not always at the same time, but every day and lasting anywhere from two to six hours, my hands would start to shake, my pulse would go up, the smallest things of life would begin to hammer on my nerves, and the internal monologue would begin, begging and pleading with god for mercy, to please make it stop, to please stop making everything so hard to cope with.
Two days ago, it stopped. Period. I did have a little flash of panic this afternoon, but it came and went.
Is this how normal people experience life? Not to have everything feel like a battle? To feel calm and even relaxed all of the time? Because I'm liking it. I haven't felt like this in longer than I can remember.
There's still the depression and sadness that is pretty much a constant, but that's a lot easier to cope with when you aren't actually screaming on the inside.
And it makes life so much easier. Not to be shellshocked all the time.
In fact, I'm going to stop writing about it now, because even thinking about it makes me nervous.
I know this can't last forever, but I'm going to enjoy (and try to nurture it) while it does.