Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Here and Now
This morning with itchy bleach on my head (because I hate my hair's natural mousy brown color , and so dye it as close to white as I can get it ... fer crine out loud, here I am in my late fifties, when is it just going to turn already?) I went back to the earliest days of this blog and read a few of the posts surrounding the experience of moving into my current house, all on my own.
I'm so glad that I wrote it all down five years ago, as it happened. Memory is beyond imperfect, and time does dull the pain. But here I am, five years and twelve days exactly after the move was finally completed.
So much has happened and changed in that time. The architecture of my family has mostly evaporated: Pooky, Pandy Bear and Patches have all died, my friend Howard is gone, my Dad has moved away (yet we have somehow grown closer), my evil sister saw the deaths of her son and husband in rapid succession, only to replace them almost immediately with a New Family that she is welcome to (my sister's soul is nothing more than a black hole that sucks up anything that gets too close, in order to give itself the illusion of substance).
The Saga and Process of Moving On has more or less completed, insofar as it's ever complete; after all, we are always moving on from something. But five years after the fact, there's no denying that I'm in a better place now than I was then, having divested myself of a job and a boss that were helping to drive me to drink, among other things. The past couple of years have been loaded with blessings, not the least of which are the numbers of people who have let me know that they like the work I am doing: something that hadn't happened in such a long time that I'd forgotten what it felt like.
Of course change is the order of life and it can all go belly-up from where it is if one is not careful. And I'm not, nor will I ever be, without sadness: it's a part of my biological make-up. But I look at those entries from five years ago and remember what a bad place it mostly all was, and see how far I've come from those times; and I'm so grateful to have, with your help, and for now, reached a place where there is a lot less pain to write about, but still much to remember, and much to do on the road ahead.